It Is Well With Our Soul.

I was going to post this with our initial first posting, since this story is the “true” start to our journey of starting a family, but I just wasn't ready yet. However, now with this being the month that we would have been welcoming our first child, I felt like now was the time to share.

 We officially started trying to expand our family in May of 2012 and we had instant success. A couple days into June I kept telling Noah that I thought I was pregnant. I was getting hot flashes, nausea spells, and my body just felt different. He thought I was crazy but sure enough the second Saturday in June I took a test and it was positive. Even after wanting this for so long my initial thought was "Oh Dear God, what have we done!" I called my doctor on Monday and made an appointment for Thursday to confirm the pregnancy. We told a few close friends but chose to wait to tell family until doctor confirmation, so we could do a big “hoopla” sort of announcement. 

However, the morning before the appointment I felt weird, like something wasn't right. I didn't feel nauseous or pregnant different, I felt back to normal. I took another pregnancy test that morning (mind you, I took four positive ones over the weekend) and it came up negative. I told myself not to freak out, knowing that false negatives were relatively normal. I went to the appointment alone, assuring Noah that this appointment would just be merely a test to confirm and to save his time off for more important appointments to come. At the doctor's office I had a blood test done that confirmed that I was indeed pregnant! My doctor congratulated me and figured out that our due date would be February 17^th. My first thought was parent teacher conferences are February 12^th, 13^th, 14^th…I hope the baby waits until after then! However, she shared she was a little concerned because my HCG levels were very low (which is why the home test that morning was negative, not strong enough for home test to detect) and not nearly as high as they should be given the fact that I took multiple positive test 5 days prior. My doctor told me not to worry yet, that as long as my progesterone was in the normal range it would be ok. She said she would run a few more test just to make sure that all my other levels were ok and then give me a call. 

I called Noah and told him what the doctor said and not to worry. But deep inside, I just knew something wasn't right. My doctor called me just a few hours later and shared that my progesterone which ideally should be between 15-20 was only a 1, meaning this was not a viable pregnancy and I would lose the baby in the next day or so. I remember exactly where in our kitchen I was standing when she shared the news.

I must add that I am so blessed to have Dr. Hilary Nash as my doctor. Her compassion, Christ-like approach to medicine is so apparent at all times, but especially in moments like this. Her voice and words were so compassionate and heart felt. She assured me that although there is no reason as to why this happened; that this isn't unusual for first pregnancies and that she has no concerns that we will be pregnant again in no time at all. She told me that she was going to double check my blood type to see if I would need to come in and get a special shot (thankfully I didn't  I am not a fan of shots, let alone ones in the booty). She told me that we should wait until I have a normal cycle and then to start trying again. By the time frame, I am sure you can figure out, we had instant success again.

With February 17^th quickly approaching I find my mind often thinking about the sweet baby we never had the chance to meet, snuggle, and kiss. I also think of how God redeemed the hard time we went through by making it a time of growth for Noah and I. We both were so overwhelmed with shock, hurt, fear and the “what if's” that often come with experiencing a miscarriage. We found ourselves leaning and depending on each other and God in a way we never had before. As hard as losing our first baby was, we find peace in knowing we will someday meet him or her in heaven and know that we are stronger now as a couple, making us stronger parents for the rest of our future children.